QUESTION: Hi, how are you folks doing tonight?
ANSWER: We're ready to order.
ANSWER: (Silence).
ANSWER (child): BREADSTICKS!
ANSWER: Hungry.
ANSWER: Iced tea.
ANSWER: Don't y'all still have that soup and salad that's unlimited?
ANSWER: Don't y'all still have that pasta bowl that's unlimited?
ANSWER: Don't y'all still have them bread that's unlimited? That's what we want.
ANSWER: (while being assisted into their chair from their Rascal brand motorized scooter) I need Dr. Pepper ... and hurry ... there isn't much time...
QUESTION: What can I get you folks to drink to start off with?
ANSWER: I already said iced tea.
ANSWER: Does Lasagna really cost $12? Can I get a half portion?
ANSWER: Oh, um. Could you come back to me? Um...
ANSWER: (unintelligible whisper)
ANSWER: Could you just give me a glass full of piping hot alfredo sauce and could I just drink that? Maybe with some scoops of ice cream mixed in.
ANSWER: Wait, you guys don't have [insert name of obscure microbrew brand of beer]? Heh, I thought this was a restaurant...
ANSWER (child): CHACKLAK MIKSHAKE
ANSWER: Oh. One more minute. I'm sorry..
ANSWER: No, I don't want anything to drink. Because I'm creepy and weird and I will creep you out for the duration of my stay.
QUESTION: You folks all ready to dec--
ANSWER: SOUP AND SALAD!
(Note: there is only one possible response at this point.)
QUESTION: You folks all ready to decide on what you'd like to eat?
ANSWER: I get the never-ending salad just by sitting here, right? I'll just have that.
ANSWER: Uhhh. Oh God. I'm sorry. Ummm...
ANSWER: How do you pronounce this? Tort--? Tortel...? Whatever, just give me this shit on the picture.
ANSWER: What? You don't carry veal? What are you, a bunch of faggots?
ANSWER: (look of panic, turns menu open)
ANSWER: If the three of us split an entree, do we all get salad with that?
ANSWER (child): (none, as crayons seem to be of suitable sustenance)
ANSWER: What's good here? Hahaha, I say that to every server I have because I am funny.
ANSWER: I'll have everything on the menu. No, seriously. I consume everything in my path, for I am called C'thulu...
QUESTION: Would you like cheese on your entree?
ANSWER: Look at me, I am making a joke about cheese and how I want a lot of it. Please feign laughter so I feel like I am connecting on a personal level with my servant person.
ANSWER: Please just grate the cheese into my mouth hole in between each bite.
ANSWER: I need lots and lots of cheese to kill the healthy bland taste of salad from my mouth and me.
ANSWER: Oh, um. I don't care. Do you? It doesn't matter. Okay. What? Just do whatever. It's fine. Do you want any? Okay. Um. No thanks. Wait. Could you put some on a plate for me?
QUESTION: Can I get anything else for you folks right now?
ANSWER: (makes glaring gesture from waiter to breadsticks and then back to waiter)
ANSWER: You never got me my fourth refill of bread oh they're right here sorry.
ANSWER (child): (shakes lidded plastic cup in waiter's face like the rude little piece of shit they are)
ANSWER: My Rascal, please. I need a twenty minute head start to get loaded if I am to leave this place by sundown.
ANSWER: No sir and you can leave out the check because we don't need that. Hahaha, why aren't you laughing?
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Laughed my ass off! So funny. So true. More more!!
ReplyDeleteJesus, it's like the people of Walmart stopping for dinner after shopping. I was only ever a waitress for about 2 minutes. I would have went to jail if I had to do it any longer.
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